I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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