He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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