In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
