Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
