mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You are the jesus of drinking
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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