8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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