dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
