she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
