im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
