He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
