i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
