my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
