If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
