NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
