Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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