I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
