I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
