A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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