I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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