If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
