why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
