why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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