Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
True strength comes from lack of pants
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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