i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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