Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
bring money and cleavage
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
