4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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