we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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