We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
