too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
