Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
