Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I can tuck mytits in my pants
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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