I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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