I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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