Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
