This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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