just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize