Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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