Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
