a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Two words: blizzard sex
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
