Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
