I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
