I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
