I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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