How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I got her a Nickelback box set.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
