Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
When are your genitals available?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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