his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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