my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
organizing the empties. That sober.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
