I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
