we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
