i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
