who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
