he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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