One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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