4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i will never coherently bang her
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
