If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
