I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
