Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
