Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize