I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
