i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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