did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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