Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My liver just had a heart attack.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
